Thursday, July 19, 2012

Fairy tale revamped

A recent flash fiction challenge from Chuck Wendig was to write a fairy tale in modern language.  I decided to write the old Norwegian tale, Billy Goats Gruff, as told by a 1980s Valley Girl.

Billy Goats Gruff, or Some Junk!

   So, this one day, these, like, three goats were all, like, hungry and stuff!  They were all, like, related, and their last name was Gruff.  So, that's why they were called the Billy Goats Gruff, duh!

   The Billy Goats Gruff wanted to go to the side of a hill to eat some grass, because that's what goats like to eat!  How, like, weird is that!

    That totally reminds me, by the way, of last weekend, when my friends and I went to the mall!  It was, like, totally tubular!  I got this bitchin' green dress that I can't wait to wear on my date with Larry tonight!  So, ... where was I ... oh, yeah!

   So, anyway, like, on the way there was this bridge they had to cross.  It was being guarded by this super-ugly guy with huge bug eyes and a big nose all covered in warts!  He was, like, a total troll!

   Oh, that totally makes me think of yesterday, at lunch, when this butt-ugly guy came up to my table and asked me to go to the prom!  As if!  My friends and I just totally cracked up!  It was hilarious!

   Like, ummm, back to the story:  The first goat started to cross the bridge:  Clip, clop, clip clop!  It was all noisy, kinda like when you're walking across a tile floor in a killer pair of stilettos, like, you know?

   A loud voice boomed out:  "OK, so, who's that walking across my bridge all loud, and stuff?"  The troll was super cranky because the first goat woke him up.

   "It's me, the thinnest of the Goats Gruff!  I'm, like, so freakin' hungry right now," the skinny goat said in this, like, totally annoying, whiny voice.

   God, I bet that goat thought he was hot shit just because he was the skinniest!  It's like when Stephanie was prancing around at school today, acting like she was better than the rest of us just because she was a size zero!  Total revelation, people:  Skinnier doesn't always mean prettier!  Stephanie's tiny waist isn't going to distract anyone from her stringy hair and horse face!

   Anyway, as you can imagine, the troll was, like, soooo not amused.

   "I'm, like, totally going to eat you right now, little goat!"

   "Oh, no," said the littlest goat.  "Please don't eat me, I'm, like, too young to die!  Besides, as you can see, I don't have much meat on these bones!  You might as well wait for the next goat -- he's kinda chubby!"

   "Fine!  Just go," said the troll.  As annoyed as he was, he could totally see the little goat's point.   The ugly-ass troll rubbed his hands together in, like, anticipation and stuff.

   It wasn't long before the troll heard the clip, clop, clip, clop of the chubby goat.

   "OK, so, who's that walking across my bridge all loud, and stuff?"

   "It's the second Billy Goat Gruff!  I'm, like, super hungry!"  The chubby goat's voice wasn't nearly as whiny as his skinny brother.

   Again, the troll was, like, soooo not amused.

   "I'm, like, totally going to eat you right now, chubby goat!"

   "Please don't eat me!  I'm, like, nowhere near as meaty as my brother, who is about to cross the bridge!"

   The troll rolled his beady little eyes.  "Fine!  Just get out of here before I, like, change my freakin' mind!"

   Just then, the, like, totally fat goat started across the bridge.  CLIP, CLOP, CLIP, CLOP!  For a second there, the troll thought his bridge was going to break!

   "OK, so, who's that walking across my bridge all loud, and stuff?"

   "It is I, the biggest Billy Goat Gruff!  I've had to wait all this time while you've been hassling my brothers, AND I'M, LIKE, REALLY FREAKIN' HUNGRY RIGHT NOW!"  The biggest of the Gruff goats had this, like, really big voice.

   Oh my god!  You know what this makes me think of?  Last week, my best friend and I were in the food court at the mall, and we saw this huge woman walking around in a miniskirt and hot pink tights!  Like, gag me with a spoon!  There totally should be a weight limit for those!  Like, for sure!  She was all, like, stuffing her face with french fries!  Ewwww!  So gross!

      So, anyway, the troll was all, "Well, guess what?  I'm hungry too, and I'm, like, totally going to eat you right now, you really, really big goat!"

   "Bring it, you ugly-ass troll," the biggest goat yelled. "I've got these, like, horns on my head that I'll use to poke your eyes out!  And under all this fat is some serious muscle!  I'm going to take these hooves and crush you to bits!"

   So, I'll spare you the details because what happened next was totally gory -- like, gross me out!  Anyway, the biggest goat killed the troll, and the Billy Goats Gruff all got really fat eating the grass on the hill.  I guess that's supposed to be a happy ending, like getting fat is a good thing?  As if!

   So, anyway, like, snap, snap, snout -- this freakin' tale's totally told out, or some junk!

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